Tuesday, 3am…
Today’s Love: awkwardness
Today’s Wish: less awkwardness (total contradiction, I know. Sue me.)
Today was interesting. See, today was one of those “could this be a good one?” Mondays. “Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. Found my way downstairs and drank a cup, and looking up, I noticed I was late. Found my coat and grabbed my hat. Made the bus in seconds flat. Found my way upstairs and had a smoke. Somebody spoke and I went into a dream…” (100 cool points to anyone who recognizes what I just wrote.)
So, I get to the office and find my office a mess from a nasty leak caused by the monster tornadic weather last night. Soggy ceiling tiles strewn about the floor and water all over my desk. Good times. Do I let it stop me? Nah. I use it as a chance to run to the grocery store on the corner for a much needed restock of fresh coffee, and the chance to work in the Board Room instead of my office.
I honestly don’t remember much about the day. I think it was around 1:30 when I got the worst headache ever, so I took a short break to clear my head, and when I came back to the front office, I had such a surprise that the first thing out of my mouth was, “Oh Holy God!”
Sitting in the front office was my friend Steven, back from a year’s duty in Iraq, and thankfully, in one piece. I couldn’t believe it. I remember like yesterday, the going-away party that we threw for him. I remember tearing up a little when he saw how much we cared, and thinking, “how will we ever get on without him?”
Has it really been a year? I wondered.”More than a year,” he replied. What the Hell have I done with myself this entire time? It seems so arbitrary to me that a week ago I was worrying about whether or not my friends would accept someone new into our circle…I was worrying about how to tell my grandmother how unhappy I was at work…I was worrying about what I was going to do over the weekend. All of that just kind-of disappeared the moment I saw this face that I really wasn’t for sure I’d ever see again.
And it made me think of all the faces I’ve known, all the faces I’ve loved, and all the faces I’m not sure I’ll see again. It made me think of one particular person that I am very close to that I haven’t seen in nearly five years due to school, work, and military conflicts. He’s in Afghanistan right now…and I realized today that I haven’t heard from him in almost five months, the longest we’ve ever been out of touch. And it scared me. How could I have so easily forgotten someone who’s seen me through dark times and good times? I felt so horrible, I nearly cried.
No wonder I’m up at 2:15 3am with a bad case of the “what ifs.” Right now, I would give absolutely anything for a chance to redo the last year since Steven’s been away, if only to be able to account for every single moment that I wasn’t doing exactly what I wanted to be doing with the people I wanted to be with wherever I wanted to be…which now that I think of it…was a significant margin of that time. I know that sometimes, you have to roll with the punches, but how many times in the last year have I made that excuse for myself instead of going out into the world and not looking back? Forget it.
More than anything, I want to write the song of my life to the tune of Edith Piaf, with a few Beatles references thrown in. Non, rien de rien. Non, je ne regrette rien.
Today’s Song:
2am and I’m still awake writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper,
It’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And, I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd,
Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to.
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