On Growing Older…

Listening: some commercial on the radio
Today’s Love: caffeine
Today’s Wish: that everything will work out for the best

If you’ve been creeping around my MySpace or my Facebook in the last 24 hours, you’ll have seen something fairly shocking in my status messages on both.

…I am going to be an aunt. Well, technically, I already AM an aunt, but it’s different because I didn’t grow up with my two sisters that already have children. This time, it’s my little sister, Randa. Does that make sense to you?

 

Peanut, during the late November version of Icefest in 2006.

 

So…Peanut’s having a baby. We don’t know how far along she is or when her due date could possibly be, but we are positive that she’s pregnant (and are thanking God that she’s not with Ben anymore), and that’s all there is. Her boyfriend, Brent, is a good guy and he’s from a good family, and he’s just as scared and excited as she is, and in all honesty, I’m happy for the two of them.

 

Peanut and Brent, getting ready for the opening ceremony of Relay 4 Life, May 30, 2008.

 

So that’s fun! I feel so much older now than I did a day ago. Isn’t it weird how that can happen?

But, here’s a funny little tangent to that story. For those of you who don’t know, Dereck’s mother works in the same office that I do. Yesterday, when I found out that my sister’s eggo was preggo, my mother and I walked into the front office together. Dereck’s mother, my aunt, and two other office people (who’ve known me and my sister since we were small children) were sitting there. Andrea saw my face and asked what was wrong, and when my mom told them that she was going to be a grandmother, Dereck’s mom’s face turned ashen like she was the bloody ghost of Christmas Past…and when we assured them it was Randa, she breathed a very audible sigh of relief, and after admitting that she was sweating bullets, said, “I’m not ready to be a grandmother!”

I personally found that funny, because a) most of our problems stemmed from being forced to hide our relationship from her, and b) for a woman who didn’t want me to date her son to begin with, she was certainly quick to assume that we had been sleeping together and that I was carrying his love child. (For the record–not that it’s anyone’s business but ours–we never slept together.) Really, all of this makes me wonder if she knew about our relationship and just never said anything, or if she eventually figured it out, or if someone in the office told her. Because honestly, everyone knew. I figured that eventually, she would find out about it and approach me, but she never said a word, so I have no idea why–if she thought we were just friends–she would assume that he’d gotten me pregnant. I can’t wrap my brain around this!

…am I being called a whore? Or am I just reading way too much into this? It’s a lot to take in at this juncture in time.

*Thinking happier thoughts* I’m really excited, though. Life’s been throwing me some pretty sweet pitches lately. I’m still crazy about my roommate.

 

Roomie Love.

 

I’ve got a great group of friends.

 

Yes, we’re always this fabulous.

 

I’ve been looking more than usually gorgeous in the last month.

 

You can’t see them, but I’m rocking some really awesome purple streaks in my hair right now.

 

Oh, and, did I mention I’m going to be an Auntie?

Lemonade, amigos. Lemonade.

Today’s Song:
I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in,
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon.
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go…
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn.
Now I’m coming alive,
Body and soul,
And feelin’ my world start to turn…

And I’ll taste every moment,
And live it out loud,
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name,
Or a face in the crowd.
I know this is the time,
This is the time of my life…

 

You say it’s your birthday…it’s my birthday, too!

Listening: to Morgan Spurlock on FX
Today’s Love: A cause to fight for.
Today’s Wish: Another 23 years.

In twenty minutes, May will come to a close, and I will be 23. I can’t believe another year went by so fast.

I’ve experienced many incredible things during the course of the last year. I got to see so many new places and faces. I finally got my act together, and I have my future in plain sight. I reconnected with someone I hadn’t spoken to in years, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. And, in a way, I was able to let someone go, despite the hurt. I left my place of comfort and ventured into the wilderness of my intuition. I let myself be pursued, and I even fell in love. Twice.

*raises glass* Here’s to 24.

Today’s Verse: by ee cummings
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
wich is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

A month in the life…

Listening: random music from someone’s office
Today’s Love: Rainy days and Mondays
Today’s Wish: to win the lottery

So, it’s been quite a while since I last blogged, so I guess I should catch everyone up on what’s been going on in my life.

I moved into a new place! I’m super excited about it. My new roommate, Lauren, is completely awesome and I’m really blessed to live with someone who I get along with so well. Everyday, we discover something new we have in common, and it’s great. The house is fantastic and it’s an actual HOUSE, which is a new thing for me, lol.

In moving in with Lauren, I’ve also been blessed with the addition of several new and amazing friends into my life, and I’m truly thankful for them. They’ve all proven their mafia-like protection of me, despite the fact that I’m more manly than any of them. Haha…needless to say, anyone who messes with my Boys messes with me and I will hurt you.

*drum solo* Schoooooool’s Out for summer!!!!! And someone, not naming names, finished the semester with straight A’s. (ME!!!) Big whoop, right? Baby steps, amigos, baby steps. The end of the semester brought a bunch of mixed emotions for me, as it marked the end of the reign of Bret, and also the beginning of what will be my last few semesters at ECU, as I will more than likely graduate in December 2009. That, my friends, is exciting. But, as I was sitting at Commencement on Saturday watching my friends and my mom graduate, it all hit me when I saw Kelli hug Bret after receiving her piece of paper and handshake. I realized that the man who has helped shape me over the last five years won’t be there when I graduate, and it made me so very very sad. But….I’ve got a year and a half. I can make it.

Next year is going to be a good year. I’m making that decision now. I’ve already met two of the candidates for Bret’s job, and I do like both of them, though I felt the second candidate was a much much better fit for us. It’s going to be a great year for Alpha Psi, as we have several people who are THISCLOSE to getting their points…and we have an awesome new set of officers, such as….Secretary Sammy, Vice President Kassiekins, and Madame President, Moi! That’s right folks. I, Kimberly Wren, am the new President of the Beta Zeta Cast of Alpha Psi Omega. Be jealous.

Let’s see, what else? New House, check. School’s out, check. Alpha Psi, check. Did I tell you about my new Wii? Tee hee. I got a Wii. I’m awesome.

OH! Another bit of something juicy…or sad, really, depending on how you look at it. In a very expected move, I was dumped. Well, dumped implies that I was crapped upon, and, though I’ve received the raw end of the deal, I don’t feel crapped upon. Simple truth in the matter is that Dereck was offered a job for the summer at Falls Creek. Cool enough, right? Well, sure, if he was coming back to Ada, but he’s not. After this summer, he’ll be going off to college at OBU, and though it’s ridiculously close, he still doesn’t want a long-distance relationship, and honestly, neither do I. But, I won’t pretend that I wasn’t crushed when it happened a week or so ago. I cried almost all weekend, and, though we’re still together, we’re not “together.” It’s so complicated. I love the guy, and a week ago, when I was still crushed, I’d have been willing to do anything to keep the relationship going….even if it meant the both of us not dating anyone else during the time we were apart, but I’ve been thinking since then–and I don’t know what to think. I have got to get to a place where I can think without being disrupted by texts from him, or the phone ringing, or the impossibly cool version of Guitar Hero III I got for my cell phone, and I’ve got to sort out how I feel…because it’s really sad when my Boys and my Jason tell me they love me more than someone I’ve just spent three months of my life with. *sigh*

Blah. Least I’ve been more than usually gorgeous the last few weeks.

New haircut. Be jealous.

Today’s Poem: “True Love” by Judith Viorst, for an impossibly beautiful person in my life…

It is true love because
I put on eyeliner and a concerto and make pungent observations about the great issues of the day
Even when there’s no one here but him,
And because
I do not resent watching the Green Bay Packers
Even though I am philosophically opposed to football,
And because
When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the middle of the street,
I always hope he’s dead.

It’s true love because
If he said quit drinking martinis but I kept drinking them and the next morning I couldn’t get out of bed,
He wouldn’t tell me he told me,
And because
He is willing to wear unironed undershorts
Out of respect for the fact that I am philosophically opposed to ironing,
And because
If his mother was drowning and I was drowning and he had to choose one of us to save,
He says he’d save me.

It’s true love because
When he went to San Francisco on business while I had to stay home with the painters and the exterminator and the baby who was getting the chicken pox,
He understood why I hated him,
And because
When I said that playing the stock market was juvenile and irresponsible and then the stock I wouldn’t let him buy went up twenty-six points,
I understood why he hated me,
And because
Despite cigarette cough, tooth decay, acid indigestion, dandruff, and other features of married life that tend to dampen the fires of passion,
We still feel something
We can call
True love.

 

The Five-Year Plan vs. Absolute Spontaneity

Listening: David Cook’s awesome cover of “Billy Jean”
Today’s Love: that first cup of coffee in the morning
Today’s Wish: Courage and Holy Boldness

Some things I’ve learned in the last two weeks:
-The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
-I really missed my church family over the last few years that I’ve not been to church.
-Your real friends have your back through every situation.
-I have no problem standing up for what (or in this case, who) I believe in.
-I have a real problem with caffeine.
-I saw Kassie’s new tattoo, and I seriously want another.
-American Idol Encore for PS2 = AWESOME.
-Daniel Ingle is quite possible one of my Top 5 favorite people.
-Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
-I am really really going to miss Bret Jones when he leaves.
-Inevitably, even one of your best friends will let you down.
-It’s nice to catch up with people, but if you spend too much time with them, you begin to realize what it was that caused you to stop being friends with them in the first place.
-There’s someone closely related to me that I love, but have a hard time liking 75% of the time, and that makes me really sad.
-That by sticking up for my relationship, I’ve truly realized how much I love my boyfriend. (And Sam Caton. lol)
-Ripples become waves.
-Natalie May is one of the most talented people I’ve ever met.
-Surprise parties are awesome when you’re a part of the surprise.
-David Cook’s cover of “Billy Jean” is the most awesometastic cover I have ever heard.
-Slightly less than 7 months until we have new President-Elect.
-Finding an apartment is a lot harder than it seems.
-Theo is going to be my new advisor.
-I’m a lot closer to graduation than I realized.
-The slightest things can cause the biggest drama.
-Practice does indeed make you better at anything…
-There is nothing in the material world better than that first cup of coffee in the morning.

I want to apologize right now to all of you out there if I’ve seemed rather…aimless, for lack of a better word, over the last month or so. I really have been, truth be told, since I was told about Bret’s resignation. I kind-of felt hopeless and I was upset and I had absolutely no idea where I was going from that point. I had entertained all sorts of ideas about my future, both at ECU and not. I tried to come up with plans that would be the most conducive to the goals I have, and in doing so, I realized something really interesting about myself:

I will never a “Five Year Plan” type of person.

One of my best and oldest friends posted a blog today that really got to me. And, despite everything she wrote in her blog about life and the life we have vs. the life we plan for ourselves, what got to me the most was the title of her blog: “Where my faith and real life meet…”

I read the title before I even clicked to open the blog, and I had to write it down–it struck such a chord within me, as someone who’s recently started going back to church and getting my faith back on the track where it once was…five years ago. “Where my faith and real life meet.” I’m not saying that in the last five years, I’ve lost my faith, because I haven’t. If anything, my faith in God has grown just as much as I have, but I’ve strayed and I’ve wandered, and like the Prodigal Son, I long to return to where I felt most at home, which is back in a pew every Sunday with people I’ve grown to appreciate even more who, even after empty promises and good intentions gone bad, still smiled and opened their arms when I walked into the sanctuary two weeks ago for the first time in God knows how long. And, I think about what it took to get me back in, and all it really was wasn’t even a push or a pull or a goading or a coercing, but simply the knowledge that I had someone who’d been in my life, despite the short amount of time we’ve known eachother and even shorter amount of time that we’ve been friends, who’s been going to my home church all year. The moment I realized that opportunity, I jumped on it. And not only did it effect me, but it effected somone from my old youth group who’d also been trying to get back with God who started coming back simply because I was there. And, in the time I’ve talked to this person, I see how much he’s changed –for better and for worse– and I think, “man, it’s amazing what five years can do to someone.”

In realizing the fact about myself that I’m not a Five Year Planner, and in getting back in my faith, I’ve grown to think even more that, as both humans and Christians, we’re not supposed to be Five Year Planners. I think Jesus wants us to live with a sort-of “Holy Boldness.” Jesus didn’t map out Five Year Plans, nor was he premeditated in his approach to life. Jesus was the most spontaneous person who ever lived, I think. His love is daring, imaginative, bold, and above all, in the moment. It catches you off guard and sometimes comes off looking unfair and unpredictable. But life is unfair and unpredictable. The only absolute certainty of your life and mine is one we don’t like to talk about: death. Everything else is a gift and a grab bag. Are we supposed to be afraid of death? Why should we be? In becoming afraid, we forget to live, and Jesus doesn’t want that. John Bunyan wrote in Pilgrim’s Progress,

“Living by Faith, begets in the Heart a Son-like Boldness and Confidence to God-ward, in all our Gospel-Duties; under all our Weaknesses, and under all our Temptations. It is a blessed thing to be priviledged with an Holy Boldness and Confidence God-ward, that he is on our side, that he taketh part with us, and that he will plead our Cause with them that rise up against us.”

A typical Christian is more at home in the plan than in the moment, more at ease following someone else’s formula than making it up as we go. But Holy Boldness involves the habit of saying “Yes!” to the moment. Jesus received each moment as a gift, less going after what he wanted than wanting what came to him. Jesus wasn’t a Five Year Planner and neither am I.

And you know, I’m rather okay with that. I like the fact that I’ve done more in my life in the last five years than I did in the 18 that preceded it. And believe me….none of that was planned. You couldn’t have convinced me five years ago that I would be where I am today. But here’s something I’ve not told anyone: I’d do it all again the same way, because day by day, heartache by heartache, each step I’ve taken has made me the person I am today, and let me put to rest any misconception anyone might have: I Love Me. I love me the way I am, no exceptions. I love my pastey white skin and my hair that’s never quite what I want it to be. I love my jiggly butt and my crooked teeth and the scars from my accident-prone childhood. I love my eyes and my smile and the confidence that took 22 years for me to build…and I love my friends for loving me, loud mouth, jiggly butt, tattoos, and everything else.

And that, my friends, is where my faith and real life meet.

Today’s Poem: [i thank You God for most this amazing]
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
(c) e.e. cummings

It’s still the same old story…

Listening: the Beatles “Because”
Today’s Love: random texts
Today’s Wish: for my allergies to stop!

Okay! So, another Spring Break has come and gone. Another Lent has come and gone (still going strong without soda!). Another day, another dollar, blah blah blah.

Not a lot really happened on Spring Break. I watched “Boondock Saints” and drank Guinness with Jason on St. Pat’s, which was great. I got a new job (when I wasn’t even looking for one) that I really did like, but I totally underestimated how busy I was going to be with job 1, Theo’s show, school, and just life in general, so I had to quit. And really, it sucks, because I didn’t want to be “that girl” who quits after three days, but what can you do? But, I really did like it, so when summer comes up, maybe I’ll give it another go.

Hmm, what else happened? OH! I finished my Small Group Communications class at Seminole with an A. One of the easiest, yet most fascinating classes I’ve ever taken. Can’t beat an instructor who shows Season 1 of “the Apprentice” as part of the syllabus.

I spent a huge amount of time with Dereck over the break, and that was a great time. We hung out and got to know a little more of one another’s character and that’s always a great thing. I know there are still a few of you out there who’ve been there since the beginning who still continue to question the entire thing, but rest assured…there have been those rocky moments, but we’re still trucking through, and it feels great. I can honestly look each of you in the eye and tell you that I don’t want to be with anyone else. In all of my past relationships, I’ve always looked for a reason to get out almost as soon as I got in, because I was never really certain that I was with the right person. Kevin told me the other day that I’ve a tendancy to settle. And, it seriously opened my eyes to the fact that he was right. But I’m telling you guys…this is completely different than anything I’ve ever been in before and for the first time, instead of looking for a detour, I’ve got my eyes on the road.

So, one thing that happened over Spring Break that was crazy didn’t even involve me, but rather one of my best friends. And, I don’t want to add insult to injury, because this girl means the world to me, but I honestly didn’t think I would be this disappointed. I really feel like I should’ve said or done something more to try to prevent what went down (I’m not going to tell the story here. If you know who I’m talking about, you already know the story), though I know that whatever you do, people are going to make their own decisions regardless. I will say that…you know you can count on me to help you when you’re down, but the only person who can pull you out of this is you, and it CAN be done.

Spring Break….hard to believe it’s already come and gone. One thing I’ve realized lately is that the days are long, but the years are short.

Now all I can do is plan. I plan to go see Natty this weekend, and I’m super excited about that. I usually try to go down there for her birthday, but I wasn’t able to because of my Saturday class. I haven’t seen Nat since Gary’s funeral and that makes me sad, because it’s been five months already. How did it go by so quickly? I’ve no idea.

So, in honor of the end of the beginning and time as a whole, I’m going back to an old favorite from one of my favorite films.

Hope your Spring Break was fantastic!

Today’s Song:
You must remember this,
A kiss is just a kiss.
A sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by…
And when two lovers woo,
They still say I love you.
On that, you can rely.
No matter what the future brings,
As time goes by.
Moonlight and love songs,
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion,
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man,
And man must have his mate.
That no one can deny…
It’s still the same old story:
A fight for love and glory,
A case of “Do or Die.”
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

I look at you all see the love there that’s sleeping…

Listening: Janis Joplin “Me and Bobby Megee”
Today’s Love: that first cup of coffee in the morning
Today’s Wish: for the phone to stop ringing!

A lot can happen in five days, I find. It’s funny how five days can take you across a ridiculously broad spectrum of emotions.

Gut-wrenching sadness…joy…sorrow…love…uncertainty….fear…..hope…shock…awe….satisfaction….want….longing….

It’s too much for my soul to handle sometimes. Life, death, etc. On the upside, I feel great. I feel better than I’ve ever felt, both physically and emotionally. I’m in a really good place right now, save for the blows that come to my soul…like three people dying over the weekend. That hurts. Or being made to feel like I’m not good enough…that hurts on a completely different scale. But I think it was Nietzsche who said something like, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” True enough, I suppose.

The thing, really, is that sometimes, I kind-of wish those blows really would kill me, just so I wouldn’t have to live with a dull pain in my heart. But a life without sorrow could barely be called a life at all. Even now, in all of my usual optimistic splendor, I am sad because I’m hurting in my heart. I’m hurting because I can’t find out any information about my friend who’s overseas and I am really really scared. I’m hurting because I’ve lost eleven people in the last five months (and no, I’m not counting Heath Ledger). I’m hurting because deep down, I really feel like I’m letting some people who are close to me down. I’m hurting because my mentor of the last five years is leaving and I’m afraid that I will be quite lost without him. This thing called life, eh?

Blah. Enough depressing stuff. I want to talk about the good, nay the great, things going on in my life right now.

Good Great thing 1:
I am no longer single. I was afraid that by blogging about it, that I would somehow be jinxing it, but here I am and there you are, so we’re past that. This new relationship has me smiling when I go to sleep and when I wake up. Sure, there are complicated times, but in the right here and right now…it’s working out for me, and I am ridiculously giddy. So…be happy for me!

Good Great thing 2:
I have rediscovered my love for playing music through my piano lessons with Dr. Deaver. Though I don’t get all the time in the world to practice as much as I want, I still go into his office every Tuesday with the hope that I can continually impress him with how hard I’ve been working to play better. And that kind of determination makes me feel great, because I haven’t felt like that in a long time.

Good Great thing 3:
I am no longer in charge of the training of new employees. Hallelujah, thank you Jesus! Once the honeymoon phase was over in June, I began to live in a constant state of stress and anxiety over my job. I was practically living on caffeine, I never slept, and I’m sure I wasn’t a very nice person, so if you caught me in a crappy mood over the last seven or eight months, I do apologize!

Good Great thing 4:
I look fantastic. If you haven’t seen me lately, take a gander. I am smokin hot, baby. You can quote me. Or quote Natalie. She tells me all the time

Good Great thing 5:
The warm weather has arrived! *knock on wood* I’m seriously hoping that last weekend’s faux-apocalypse was the absolute last of the cold weather, especially since Spring Break is next week and I’m stuck here in Ada while Kassie and Catie are off saving the world one baby in Africa at a time.

Good Great times, mis amigos, great times.

Today’s Song:
Talking to myself and feeling old
Sometimes I’d like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hanging around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down

Tuesday, 3am…

Listening: the Beatles “Dear Prudence”
Today’s Love: awkwardness
Today’s Wish: less awkwardness (total contradiction, I know. Sue me.)

Today was interesting. See, today was one of those “could this be a good one?” Mondays. “Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. Found my way downstairs and drank a cup, and looking up, I noticed I was late. Found my coat and grabbed my hat. Made the bus in seconds flat. Found my way upstairs and had a smoke. Somebody spoke and I went into a dream…” (100 cool points to anyone who recognizes what I just wrote.)

So, I get to the office and find my office a mess from a nasty leak caused by the monster tornadic weather last night. Soggy ceiling tiles strewn about the floor and water all over my desk. Good times. Do I let it stop me? Nah. I use it as a chance to run to the grocery store on the corner for a much needed restock of fresh coffee, and the chance to work in the Board Room instead of my office.

I honestly don’t remember much about the day. I think it was around 1:30 when I got the worst headache ever, so I took a short break to clear my head, and when I came back to the front office, I had such a surprise that the first thing out of my mouth was, “Oh Holy God!”

Sitting in the front office was my friend Steven, back from a year’s duty in Iraq, and thankfully, in one piece. I couldn’t believe it. I remember like yesterday, the going-away party that we threw for him. I remember tearing up a little when he saw how much we cared, and thinking, “how will we ever get on without him?”

Has it really been a year? I wondered.”More than a year,” he replied. What the Hell have I done with myself this entire time? It seems so arbitrary to me that a week ago I was worrying about whether or not my friends would accept someone new into our circle…I was worrying about how to tell my grandmother how unhappy I was at work…I was worrying about what I was going to do over the weekend. All of that just kind-of disappeared the moment I saw this face that I really wasn’t for sure I’d ever see again.

And it made me think of all the faces I’ve known, all the faces I’ve loved, and all the faces I’m not sure I’ll see again. It made me think of one particular person that I am very close to that I haven’t seen in nearly five years due to school, work, and military conflicts. He’s in Afghanistan right now…and I realized today that I haven’t heard from him in almost five months, the longest we’ve ever been out of touch. And it scared me. How could I have so easily forgotten someone who’s seen me through dark times and good times? I felt so horrible, I nearly cried.

No wonder I’m up at 2:15 3am with a bad case of the “what ifs.” Right now, I would give absolutely anything for a chance to redo the last year since Steven’s been away, if only to be able to account for every single moment that I wasn’t doing exactly what I wanted to be doing with the people I wanted to be with wherever I wanted to be…which now that I think of it…was a significant margin of that time. I know that sometimes, you have to roll with the punches, but how many times in the last year have I made that excuse for myself instead of going out into the world and not looking back? Forget it.

More than anything, I want to write the song of my life to the tune of Edith Piaf, with a few Beatles references thrown in. Non, rien de rien. Non, je ne regrette rien.

Today’s Song:
2am and I’m still awake writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper,
It’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And, I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd,
Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to.